It’s crazy how when you start to feel things you aren’t used to, you want to hide. You would think that the positive feelings would make you want to open up, share more, and be more expressive. Not me, I shut down. I think it’s the fear of getting close to someone again. That fear that I’ll once again let my guard down and the person will leave like everyone else has. I’ve begun to realize that I do this…a lot. And not just in relationships with men, but friendships too. Crazy enough, I see myself doing it, and the other person usually picks up on it, and that just scares the fuck out of me even more. I hate to think I’m that girl with the daddy issues, but it definitely started with him. For a young girl, your father is supposed to be the man who molds for you what a man should be. Not to shit on my dad, but all he taught me was that you can love someone, show it, and they can still leave you feeling like you weren’t enough for them to stay. I actually sat today wondering when that feeling crept up on me. I can’t ever remember my dad being around as a child, although I remember seeing him when he wanted to see me. And I remember that feeling like I wasn’t good enough for him to stay longer like there was always something more important than me. I didn’t even know I wasn’t my father’s only child until I was twelve years old. Realizing that I was never actually daddy’s little girl, was a numbing feeling. I felt like I was cheated on, by my own father. I started to feel like they were the reason I didn’t have my dad the way I thought I was supposed to. My two twin sisters were living in the same city as my dad, and for all I know, they probably didn’t see him as much either. But I felt like because he left us in Atlanta and went back to Brooklyn, they were the better kids. Sounds stupid, but I was 12. Nevertheless, it started with him. It was he who taught me that people can love you and you still won’t be enough. I’ve compared every failed relationship back to how I felt when my dad died. I finally had him, all to myself for six months. For six months I was daddy’s little girl. For six months I was a priority, it was important for him to finally be with me, bond with me, teach me things, laugh with me, eat with me, sing to me, play with me, and treat me like I was special. Six months. That’s all I got. A month after my 18th birthday, he died, and all I felt was that he was gone again. But this time it was just done. That was it. Six months.
I don’t want to blame my dad for the feelings I have towards relationships, but it’s hard not to because every single time I feel myself getting close to someone, I change. I remember the feelings of people leaving and feeling abandoned for something more important. I become clingy, to where I want to see them every day, talk to them every day, be invited to everything, and be the person that you want to share with all your other friends cause I’m just that dope. To some, that’s not a bad thing, but I think I do it because I’m afraid that we’ll disconnect if we’re not constantly connected, and they will leave. Not because I think less of myself, but because I got so close to my dad in the last six months of his life, and then he was gone. I’m constantly afraid that the thrill will die and that will just be it. I can’t even begin to count how many friends I have lost touch with for no reason, and the relationships that just died. It’s scary. I’m afraid to build another relationship that I let my guard down, allow myself to be free and open to, and then it will just suddenly be done. That shit makes me feel like something is wrong with me. Like how is it that I can have every aspect of my life together, but am afraid to build relationships? I don’t want to push people away at all, I just want to be worth the fight. But somehow I find myself alone thinking of the past, instead of just living in the moment and allowing the universe to do what it’s going to do. Maybe I have control issues because my emotions are the one thing I have zero control over. Sure, I can choose what to entertain, and how to handle certain situations, but I think way too much, and I feel way too hard. I wish I was a savage who didn’t give a fuck, but it’s impossible for me to operate in that way when all I want is to be enough. Not just enough for someone to stay, but enough for me to know that I’m enough for me. They say to love yourself and the rest will come. But who the hell said I didn’t love myself? I just want to BE, without the pretty little fears.