My hair is pinned up in a waterfall of curls, my makeup in flawless, my nails and toes are silver glitter sparkles, my dress is big and fluffy with a long feather like train.  I’m wearing something old; my great grandmothers pin, something borrowed; my mothers bracelet, and something blue; a single blue shoelace in my blinged out Chuck Taylors (I’m not wearing heels on my wedding day…sorry Mom).  All of our friends and family have arrived for this joyous day.  My groom is handsome as ever in his all white suit (& Chuck Taylors) and shedding tears waiting for his bride to meet him at the alter.  Ahh…what a beautiful evening wedding on the only time we will ever see 12.12.12.  Too bad  it’s not happening the way I planned.  According to my plans, I was going to be a bride today.  None of that “Bridezilla” madness, no yelling and screaming, just a happy beautiful bride to my happy handsome groom.  I really wanted that.  But you know what I’m reminded of every single time a plan of mine doesn’t go thru the way I visioned it? “If you want to make God laugh, make plans.” It’s totally not up to me all the time.

I knew I would not be a bride this year after having only been out on one date this year alone.  Unless we fell in love over an Applebee’s meal and Monday Night Football, I pretty much knew it wasn’t going to happen.  Falling in love takes time. The last thing I want to be is divorced. When I get married I want it to be everything I’ve ever dreamed of and more.  I was not the kind of kid that day dreamed about getting married and making it an all about me kind of day.  I really didn’t start envisioning what my wedding day would be like until I was about 28.  That’s when I really realized what I want out of life.  It was around that time when I decided that I would stop going out with men who I could not see a future with just for the sake of having someone or something to do.  I’ve always known I was worth more then a sexually driven relationship.  I just needed to change it and start looking out for me. It helps that my last few sexual partners left absolutely nothing to be desired for.  I felt no emotional connection, saw no future.  It was then when I realized, I’m truly a Pisces to the core.  If you don’t know anything about a Pisces, ask someone and I guarantee the first thing they will say is we are emotional.  If I can’t connect with someone on an emotional level then there is nothing else to discuss.  I just can’t continue to try to get to know you because you’re cute. It’s not enough.  I have to feel it in my spirit or I’m never going to feel it in my panties.

So back to this wedding day…one day it’ll happen.  I’m not pressed to be married right this very second.  I’m more ready to be in love again then anything else.  I miss being someone’s woman.  I miss being all mushy with a guy.  This too will happen in due time.  I’m currently dating someone but we haven’t seen much of each other the past few weeks due to conflicting schedules.  I remember something an old friend told me almost 5 years ago when we talked about relationships, “People do what they want to do.  If someone wants to see you, nothing will interfere with that because they’re going to make it happen.”.  I’m giving this “dating-ship” until 01/01/13 to either flourish or fizzle.  I’ve been more patient then I normally would only because I really really like this guy.  And every time I give up, he comes right back.  Maybe that means something, maybe it doesn’t.  We shall see what God has in store because I’m starting to believe he’s testing me right now with this one.

Just an emotional Piscean maniac trying to find her way to a nonexistent place. This is my sanctuary for my own personal thoughts and views on everything.
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