Love Her

There’s a certain glow a person has once they have found themselves. Not just discovered that they are cute or have a funny personality. But someone who has truly realized their worth and what that means. I found myself reflecting on my life experiences towards the end of twenty-twenty. And while for most of the entire world it was a really bad year, for me it wasn’t a total bust. I purchased my first home in January. I say first home proudly because doing it once made me realize that I can do it again, and I most definitely will. I created a space for my children where they will never ever have to worry about not belonging to the world. They have a home to always come back to when the world is too much. My 18 year old graduated high school with As & Bs. While he didn’t get to walk across the stage, I witnessed him being proud of himself for getting through it, and that made me even more proud of him. I’ve witnessed by 1 year old develop a personality that is so reminiscent of the first born, so much so that I look at him and just smile sometimes. He’s renewed a joy and strength in me that I realize now was missing for years. I purchased a brand new 2020 Jeep Grand Cherokee Laredo 4×4 Trail Rated SUV (whew…yes, all that). I landed a new position at a new company where I finally feel valued and noticed. Not to mention making 25K more than my last job. I almost fell in love. I say almost because I think internally I’m fighting it solely because the distance is going to drive me insane. So let’s just say, a friend who I cared about became a friend I love for real.

Listen…2020 was good to me okay!

There of course were a handful of downs. It became obvious the “friendship” I thought I had with Zion’s dad, was laced with lies, which now make co-parenting very difficult. But I’m still trying, because his dad is not my problem anymore. I only have to be concerned with what is, and that’s Zion. So if I have to shut up and accept change for him to spend the needed time with his dad, then so be it. Nothing matters to me more than that relationship existing and not just being lost time. I lost one of my favorite elder cousins in November, my Uncle to COVID-19 and my step-grandmother to old age in December. The losses took a toll on me for a minute, like really bad. But I was able to hold it together because I had to honestly. My mom losing her last sibling and my uncle also being the last male in my family with our last name, was a hard hit. After my mom and I there will be no more of my family name. We’re the last two. It kinda made me consider changing my boys’ names.

My left knee got worse and I’m developing tendinitis from trying not to put too much pressure on my knee. So I’ve decided to go forward with revision weight-loss surgery to alleviate the pain from the weight gain. Another decision I struggled with. I’m not afraid of surgery, I just know what to do to lose weight and don’t want to have surgery again. And at the same time, I can’t lose the weight fast enough because of my knee. Walking is a pain I never thought I’d experience so soon..but then again, I’ll be 40 this year. FORTY. How the hell did I get here so fast? lol

This year tho, I’m learning to love her back. I’ve cut of things that don’t serve me, people that don’t please me, and all I can do is keep going. I want to fall back in love with me. I started doing these photo sessions with myself, using a ring light that someone accidentally had sent to my house a few months ago. I tried to send it back but Amazon told me to keep it and they refunded the original order. But this ring light is amazing!! Takes perfect pics every time. I’ll likely start sharing my #SELFLOVESESSIONS here because I don’t feel completely comfortable posting them all on IG. Isn’t that weird? It’s a photo sharing platform, yet I don’t want all the attention there.

I’m still exploring the world of self-care. It feels new to me to take care of myself first. I’m not so much of a people pleaser, I just don’t tend to lookout for me first. I should probably make a schedule and stick to it. If you’ve read this far (thank you ♥️), tell me…how do you self-care? What are some things you do to make yourself a priority?