Boy, Oh Boy!

It’s been quite a while since I made my return and wrote my last entry here. If you’ve been around for a while, you know that I typically shutdown when things get to be too much. After that last disaster, so much unraveled that I literally didn’t know what to do with myself. Not to mention the demonic ex from hell started looking for me again *hard eyeroll* Anyway, not here to talk about that…as you can see…I’m having a baby, it’s a boy!  I want to be like super excited, and technically there is a large part of me that is considering everything I’ve gone thru.  But it’s kind of hard to be going into a new stage in my life and still feel lost and partially incomplete. It’s so crazy how we plan our lives to be so big and grand, yet God always has a plan that rarely matches up.  I just keep it pushing and talk to the universe anyway, hoping that my dreams will manifest in one way or another.

Other than being pregnant, I did manage to get a promotion at work that I’ve been wanting for quite some time, so that’s truly exciting! I’ve had my eye on a certain department for almost 2 years, and I finally managed to get my foot in the door. Additionally, the role couldn’t have come at a better time since I’ll be going back to working overnight and working from home. The working from home is the biggest blessing of it all.  With baby Zion due on August 3rd, I’ll be able to spend time with my baby while maintaining my career from the comfort of my home. I’m hella stoked about that since I also plan to breastfeed this little nugget, and we all know newborns don’t sleep overnight so I’ll already be awake. See how God works?

Speaking of God, I really want to get back into church, but I think I’ve been holding back because of my own disappointments with religion and not really being a total bible thumper. I still can’t wrap my head around a lot of the teachings of “the word”, but I do always feel like things are going better in my life when I am open to “the spirit” and maintain a connection with a “higher power”. So I’ve been looking into churches just to see if I want to stick with where I am currently a member or move around, if for no other reason but to meet different walks of life. Maybe a different crowd would give me a different perspective and things would start to make sense. Maybe not. But I’m willing to try and at least say, I tried.

I kind of feel like I have to do something different at this point. What I’m used to doing is just not working. I mean seriously, I’m thirty-eight years old, pregnant, single, and not even speaking to the father. Definitely not my idea of happiness. I have tried to bridge the gap and be open to communicating with him, I’ve even tried to remain optimistic in hoping that we would work out whatever the issue was to be together for the sake of not raising another child in a single parent environment. But…you think you know people only to realize they are not who they portrayed themselves to be to any degree.  That’s always been one of my biggest flaws: seeing potential in people who really don’t posses the capability of being anything close to what I see in them. It’s left me nothing but disappointments, in them and myself. I hate that I trusted so easily and I let my guard down again, only to be used for temporary satisfaction and left alone again. I already have major abandonment and trust issues, this just really solidified it because I don’t even trust myself now.  But again, gotta keep pushing. Not even for me, but for these two boys I am being forced to turn into men. I want to be strong for them. I hope I’m at least doing this part right.