On Monday September 8th, I took one of the biggest steps of my life. I had a total hysterectomy. Even as I type those words, they feel heavy. I don’t think I’ve fully acknowledged just how drastically my life has changed in such a short time.
Leading up to surgery, I was scared. Not just nervous about the procedure itself, but deeply afraid in a way that only Black women might fully understand. The statistics don’t lie, Black women face higher mortality rates when it comes to surgery, and that reality sat heavy on my heart. I kept thinking about my two sons, about whether I’d wake up from anesthesia, about whether I’d make it back home to them. That fear was real, and it followed me right up until they wheeled me into the operating room.
But here I am, on the other side. Breathing. Healing. Living. And for that, I am beyond grateful.
Still, I’d be lying if I said I feel completely at peace. Right now, I’m in this in-between space where I’m no longer overwhelmed with fear, but I also haven’t fully grasped what this means for me as a woman. A hysterectomy is more than a surgery, it’s a shift. Physically, emotionally, spiritually. It’s saying goodbye to a part of myself that carried life, that made me a mother, that has been with me my whole journey as a woman.
I know this decision was necessary for my health. Sure I could have opted to have fibroid removal surgery, but the chance of them coming back was high, plus the fact that I had 9 of them. I know the hysterectomy was the right choice. But acknowledging the loss, the change, the “new normal” ahead, yeah it’s going to take time. And I’m giving myself permission to sit with that.
So today, I’m choosing grace. Grace for my body as it heals. Grace for my mind as it processes. Grace for my heart as it learns to embrace this new chapter.
If you’re reading this and you’ve gone through something similar, know that you’re not alone. We are stronger than we realize, even when we don’t feel it. And sometimes strength looks like simply letting ourselves feel everything, the fear, the relief, the sadness, the gratitude.
This is my beginning again.
